Running Away

I know the title seems weird but it was the first thing that came into my head. Don't fret.

But I guess running is an appropriate word for what I'm feeling these days. With all the social conceptions that I hear about "staying put", "you've made your bed, now sleep in it" and "gaining with suffering", the only thing that I feel with these words is the need to run as fast as I can. I'm not saying that people should run away from responsibility or blame, no sir, what I am saying is that one should never stay in a place or situation where there is suffering either caused by the situation or by repeating the same thing over and over again.

A few days ago I had a moment where I hated everything and everyone. It was a violent fit where nothing was safe from being screamed at. And it all revolved around one thing: me hating what I'm studying. To say the least it's gotten to the point where I cannot feel anything but pain when I think of myself being stuck in a "clinic" listening to what other people are saying. Summing it all up: I cannot be empathic in a psychologic way. Another thing that I hate is the whole "Since I'm a psychologist my behavior towards others, no matter how weird or offensive, is acceptable." and I don't mean this as a "I love being eccentric" thing, that's fine. I mean this in a "I'll be weird on purpose." thing. God, I've had enough of it.

Speaking of doing things that people hate, I have a perfect example of the result of it. My grandfather wanted to be a doctor, a boxer and a profesional social drinker (I know it sounds weird, but in the 50's that was accepted). And he was going to go to med school and he had done some boxing when his family said "You are going to be an accountant and you'll work for us when you are done studying." Being the man that he was, a quiet man when challenged, he accepted it against his will because he was raised with the idea that mom and dad are always right. To make a long story short, he became an accountant, worked for his parents (by working I mean giving money to them), got married to the woman of his dreams, had kids, then grandkids, and then one day he got sick. He started to have a little bit of stomach trouble and started to loose weight like an anorexic on crack, his voice and strength started to fail him. After a month he decided to take a test and the test came back with a horrible result that sounded more like an irrevocable judgment made by a cruel court: stomach cancer. Later I understood what gave him stomach cancer, another doctor told me and it made perfect sense. He said to me "Your grandfather held a job he hated for nearly 60 years, and in all those years he never said anything. Never tried to change jobs, never expressed his anger, he had to deal with clients and people who aren't and will never be good people, he never took time for himself, and always repressed what he wanted to really say and feel. He bottled everything up, ever since your great grandfather made him study accounting." It was a horrible lesson to learn, seing somebody who could have been anything he wanted to be in his life reduced to something that only felt that tumor growing inside, seeing that that's what people could become when stuck doing something they hate for the rest of their life.

When something isn't working for you, it doesn't matter what other people think (they aren't living your life, really), it doesn't matter what your family thinks (it's your life not theirs), find what really awakes your soul. If it's dancing, dance; if it's painting, paint; if it's writing, write; if it's creating anything, create. Find what awakes your soul.